Free Birth and Pregnancy: The Evolution of Ocean Phoenix

When I realized I was going to be responsible for the life of another, many thoughts rushed to the surface of my mind. The one thought that has made the most impact I believe in our blossoming relationship so far was how I chose to behave in my pregnancy and in birth.  Having been the guest at a friends home birthing, I already had an understanding of how psychedelic and awesome this process can if allowed to happen in a more natural setting without force or control. I knew my child would not be born in a hospital.

I dissolved myself in the wisdom of those who came before me, reading the writings of Laura Shanley and discourses of fellow home birthers. I soon realized not only would my babe be born out of hospital, there would be no doctor or midwife present. In an effort to feel powerful and deepen my understanding of the fact that I was not sick, and therefore did not require medical attention, I did not continue with prenatal visits. Instead, I fed us both a vegetarian diet and drank an herbal pregnancy tea to strength my uterus. I took walks to expose us to fresh air and practiced yoga to encourage my hips and pelvis to open and ease my softening muscles. I took vitamins occasionally and ate some DHA. I meditated and brought attention to the baby in special moments when we were alone, but did not go crazy allowing myself to take on the role of a "pregnant" girl.  

During my pregnancy I took great pleasure in NOT treating myself like a pregnant woman. Rather, I treated myself like myself. I involved myself in any and all activities that brought me joy. I practiced yoga until the day of birth, doing headstands until I was ready to burst. With little Gooby growing bigger inside of me I climbed and hiked through trails to waterfalls in a Kentucky winter wonderland at 8 months pregnant. I went to music shows and danced and danced and danced. I swam and played and enjoyed life. I wanted the growing life inside of me to have an understanding of what would be involved with being on the outside by doing all the things I would want to do if it was not on the inside.

I held true to my belief that this was what was best for us both to be as healthy and fulfilled as possible even when constantly questioned by others who just could not understand. Even those who believed in alternative approaches were sometimes hesitant after hearing of my lack of planning and denial of medical care, warning me not to let this endeavor be that of ego. To me, this was the furthest from ego as it could be. I didn't do those things to claim I could. I did them because I knew I could, and by doing so would be giving the evolving life inside of me the best I could. I believe that is all we can do, is our best. With constant awareness and practice I strive to do so. Every part of my experience that I allowed to flow freely through me rather than try to grasp and control and understand was a beautiful opening experience. 

When Ocean decided it was time, he took his time. My body prepared for his entrance slowly, early labor started 24 hours before he arrived. I had been having practice rushes for a few days before hand and had barely slept. I still wasn't sure where I wanted to birth him, and so I waited. I walked and talked and meditated allowing the process to happen. I let fear dissolve if it arose and focused on my breath. As February third continued ticking away I began to realize that Ocean would be born right where I was, in his grandmother's home. We filled the jacuzzi and waited. We didn't check for dilation until around 2 hours before his birth. By this time I was exhausted and wanted to know if I had much longer to go. My legs were shaking, the rushes more and more intense. Knowing I was dilating helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel that had begun to seem more and more like a mirage with each rush. As I reflect back, this was also when things got more psychedelic. I began to feel as if I was hallucinating, my whole body vibrating at such an intense frequency that I could barely stay here. I felt as if I was breaking away into individual waves of vibration with no sense of their ability to be reconnected. It was amazing.

At around 9:13 Ocean was born into the hot tub. I did not even look to see the sex, we all knew it was a boy just by seeing his face. No obstetrician, no midwife, no drugs, no episiotomy, no perineal tears, no medical intervention of any kind. Nothing stood between Ocean's right to be instantly united with his mother. This baby literally swam out, opened his eyes, gave a few cries and settled into life. We waited about an hour to cut the cord, while Ocean and I got a feel for our separate selves. After the cord was cut, we drained the jacuzzi, refilled it and let the baby float.

That night we were joined by a welcoming committee that included Becka and Lucy, the mother and daughter who's own home birth I was a part of. The next few days we spent just enjoying each other, feeding, and loving. The grandmothers each had a hand in collecting, cleaning, and cutting the placenta for ingestion. That's right folks, I ate the placenta. This one thing I believe played a crucial role in what allowed me to be hiking in the woods less than 72 hours after birth. I will post a separate blog on that topic.

After living this, I want to share with everyone what we are capable of. I do not think everyone should have an unassisted birth, nor do I look down at those who believe they require a ton of medical intervention. I just want to help women be informed of the choices they have and possibly help to empower that one woman who is sitting on the fence, confused or scared because they lack the support they wish necessary to have the birth they and their child deserve. Life knows how to create itself. You did not have to think about how to get pregnant, your cells linked with those of another and did what they were created to do. It continued to grow without intervention from a doctor, or help from a concerned relative. It continued to bloom and could not be stopped. Babies know how to be born, they are building up for this time from the moment they are conceived. Every moment of their existence they become more capable of this process. To allow them to make their entry in their own time, with their own methods is the best birthday gift we could ever give them.

Ocean at 14 weeks

Ocean is a very calm, inquisitive little fellow. He wanted to hold his head high from the minute he experienced gravity. His whole demeanor is that of a being who is not afraid of life, just attuned to being life. He happily and hungrily nurses. He communicates in more ways than I sometimes believe. It is awesome to watch him grow and fulfilling to know that every moment he is building himself up from a strong foundation that encouraged him to be a part of every process of his existence.